“Rise and shine” – says the G-Man.
Today I realized something. I realized my future is in my own hands.
I don’t have any help from outside my family since around 5 years. There has been almost nothing to keep me alive other than my family and some internet stuff (including some youtubers).
Now I realized that, after leaving the depressive phase I had for at least three years, this last year has been the best of my life.
I can say I don’t remember most of my childhood. I only remember very few things. But I know what I want to do now.
This may sound silly to you, and hey, you’re free to laguh at me. I won’t get angry, because I don’t care.
I realized that what I want to do is Game Development. I want to become better and better, to release some great games, to make peple enjoy my games.
It can be done. It has been done by many other indies. And I look at them. I see people that sometimes didn’t even try that hard. I see people that did things that suddenly gained interest because they weren’t the only people to like them.
So, I want to become a good developer. I don’t care about success, money, girls… none of this matters to me. All I want to do is feel good with what I accomplished.
And I still have things to accomplish. Actually, I accomplished very few things. But I will do more.
When you’re in my situation, you remember almost nothing about your past up to six years ago, because you were in such a bad moment that your brain just failed to record anything and deleted most of the other things.
Yes, I thought of suicide. And yes, I regret it now, but I didn’t even try. I only thought of it and immediately ignored every possibility.
What I remember is a few good things and most of the rest is still bad things. Most of what I remember is things from the last six years, after I started doing what I love today: programming.
Sure, part of it was my fault. Part of it was somebody else’s fault, and sometimes they didn’t even want to hurt. I don’t have anything against anyone right now, because I don’t remember exactly what happened and I don’t want to.
Some things happened this days. I used to have a “live and let others live” approach to life, but it looks like some people doesn’t do the same. I still have that approach, but I also have six BIG things to care about, and I don’t have the patience.
I’ll have to drop one or two, but none of the dropped choices will be game development.
Because videogames are what kept me alive, both playing them (Earthbound made me feel like there is always a bit of hope), and watching people play them (because some gamers/youtubers and their community made me realize I’m a human just like them, and if they count something, I count something too).
And if I don’t give something to the world, the world will have nothing to count, resulting in a zero.
I’ve seen some anime recently. Quite a lot, actually. And I remembered some of the anime I watched when I was a child. Captain Tsubasa, Dragonball, and if you want a more detailed list, check this post that talks about some of the crap I watched as a child.
There was always hope. Goku died three times. The earth exploded twice. Krillin (Kuririn) died countless times. Mila and Shiro finally found love. Captain Tsubasa won the world championship, and if I’m not wrong he did it multiple times.
Even more recent anime, Inazuma Eleven (which I didn’t watch too much), Project Freedom, Eureka Seven (that I’m still watching), Galactik Football (which I watched in my aunt’s house in the big city around four years ago), and A LOT more.
I know that’s not real life (come on twins, this is NOT enough power to jump that high, seriously). I know that’s not how real life works (she’s not even human, bro!). I know that’s not even a bit close (come on, Galactik Football is based on alien soccer. I repeat, ALIEN SOCCER).
But I also know that somebody did it. And I remember that before trying out my first computer, I wasted afternoons reading Mickey Mouse comics multiple times. I used to even read while having lunch and dinner.
And after a bit, I decided I wanted to either become a Mangaka (aka those who draw Mangas) or an animator, either 2D or 3D.
And before that, I wasted entire afternoons watching and rewatching Captain Tsubasa and Tom & Jerry. And I wanted to become a football player.
And before I could even understand that football is considered a job, I wanted to study dinosaurs because they are rad as… dinosaurs. Seriously, they’re cool. Spoilers: they were cool.
I think of before I learned “what the hell is a dino-hour” (seriously, that’s literally what I answered to my teacher when she asked me if I knew what a dinosaur was). And let’s not talk about the “cheese-dick accident” in kindergarten. SPOILER.
I think of those times when I knew almost nothing about the world. I wanted to grow up, to find a princess, to marry her, to ask santa for children (don’t ask, just don’t), and to live together with my two cousins, because I loved them (but now we don’t talk from more than 8 years because family stuff happened).
Briefly, I wanted to have a good life. And I still want to.
I’m still rising from the depths of the hell I was living, but hopefully I’ll stand in the sun soon enough. And maybe, I’ll shine enough for a plane to see me.
I’m only thinking about the future. All I’m sure about right now is what’s happening today. And what I want to make sure is what happens tomorrow.
There is nobody out there that will make my future appear out of a top hat like a magician with a bunny.
I have my future in my hands. I have to do something with it. And I can do whatever I want with it.
LET’S DO THIS.
Hey, that was long! Did you read all? I bet you’re either thinking I’m very silly or very emotional. Anyway, I had to get rid of this wheight. I wanted to talk about this, about my life, and about the few things I remember.
Now I want to live the rest of my life with hopefully much less bad things. It’s my life, the one I’ve wrote about.
It’s my life. I want to live it. I want my lifein a certain way, and I’m not going to stand still, hads in hands, while everything changes and shifts from what I want.
I have to move. I have to do it. I’m 18, goddammit. I am supposed to be an adult.
I want to move. I want to do it. I’m 18, yes. I am pretty sure I’m not adult enough yet, though 😛
Yep, poetry sucks. And I suck at it. This wasn’t such a good idea, thinking about it now that I did it.
But after all, mistakes are made so we know what we shouldn’t do. Learning by mistakes is the only real way to discover what we should actually do.
If the code has a bug, we can still fix it. We may have to rewrite the entire program, millions of lines of code, but eventually, if we have enough patience, we can still do it.
But using a “live and let others live” approach doesn’t fix bugs. You can add more code and maybe a new mechanic will make the bug inaccessible. But that’s a very rare occasion.
It’s time to debug my life.